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Nov
08
How Do You Change Who You Are?
ByI have a control issue– I always have to know exactly what’s going on and the who/what/where/when/why of it. ALWAYS. I take control on projects, planning, on everything.
I’ve thought “deep down’ about it, and it was because of the lack of control my parents had over me, and the loose “whatever” “go with the flow” lifestyle we had lived, and now I need to be the opposite.
Because of my control issue, I often take on too many responsibilities or bug the crap out of people that are trying to make thier own plans. My fear is that when I let others take control, they often do it wrong, late, or not to my expectations.
Question– what can I do to “let go” of my control issue, and trust others to do things correctly?
8 Comments
November 9th, 2009 at 12:22 am
We should be twins! B/C my situation fits yours…with everything detail..down to the way your parents raised you. My mom and dad were always so laid-back, especially with life, and they way they raised me that now I’m a total control freak, and the job I currently hold does not do much to help the situation because I’m a paralegal in a big law firm! I have managed to calm down over the last 2 years, only because of my spirituality! But it my issues with control still haunt me, especially in times of extreme stress, so I know what you are dealing with. The best thing I can tell you to do is just try and not make a fast change, do it slowly, appreciate that side of yourself and allow yourself to see the good things about being that way (like the fact you are never late anywhere!!! lol). Mourn that side of yourself properly as you are letting it go, and remind yourself when you are doing it. That is the biggest thing…Don’t let it become a nature occurence..catch yourself doing it and correct it! Each time you do that, it affirms that you have a problem and hopefully with time you can correct it! Good luck!
November 9th, 2009 at 3:14 am
To change who you are you have to change your beliefs……they are the basis for everything (thought, word, & deed) ….you need to be in control because you fear NOT being in control….why? When you answer that question you will find the root cause of your control issue….you can’t change the symptoms if you don’t know the cause.
You have to let go of your ego ……
I suggest reading a self-realization book….”Your Erroneous Zones” by Dr. Wayne Dyer is a great one and talks about these control issues….we all do it – not just you….I was same way and am teaching myself to let go of my fear/ego…..
Good luck on your journey …..be blessed! Keep seeking and you will find the answers. =)
November 9th, 2009 at 6:56 am
You have to learn to delegate. You have to clearly state exactly what it is you want. People make mistakes and they might not get things right the first time so you have to be patient enough to teach them how to do it correctly. Measure twice cut once type of theory. If you delegate then the others become a part of the process and have a stake in what you are doing as well. Plus you have to learn how to say “No”. Overloading yourself will only increase the control issues because you will spread yourself to thin. Good luck.
November 9th, 2009 at 12:19 pm
oh girl that is hard! no VERY HARD!
but it is possiable!
this site helped me a bit along with the desire and want of me to change!
http://www.coping.org
great site!
November 9th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
One of the best ways to keep yourself from taking control of a situation, is to tightly grip your hands together and literally take a step back. It helps if you take a deep breath at the same time. You will eventually train your self to do it without having to literally “get a grip”.
To answer your question about how to trust others to do things correctly. You probably never will, so don’t stress out. You just need to step back from situations, figuratively and literally, in order to get a better perspective on them. Then you can ask yourself “Do I really want to get involved with this ?”
The first time is always the hardest, but it will get easier.
November 9th, 2009 at 10:17 pm
I do not think you can change yourself. However, I know what you mean. You can ‘let go’ of your control by believing in yourself. If you have confidence with yourself, then you know you will be surrounded by those who care. You have to trust yourself first. The ’self-fulfilling prophesy’ cycle goes like this;
1. We form certain expectations from people or events.
2. We communicate these expectations through various behavioral cues.
3. People adjust their behavior in response to these behavioral cues.
4. Resulting in the original expectation becoming true.
So, what you think (intention) inside will always manifest itself through your behavior. So, if you expect people to do things incorrectly then you will see that. How many times have you said to yourself…..
“See I told you so, I knew you will do it wrong!!”
“You are always late, you are never on time!!”
You end up correcting people’s mistakes and re-doing the same thing. This reinforces your feelings about how inept they were and although you are in misery with all the hard work, you revel in it.
If you wish to change this you HAVE to trust yourself! Your confidence will permeate your surroundings and they will try and emulate your sense of composure. Mind you it won’t change overnight you have to keep working on it. You WILL be able to create a wonderful environment. Believe in it and practice it everyday.
Thanks for reading
November 10th, 2009 at 4:47 am
When it comes to some one’s vision you really need to let the person achieve the vision that they want. You should give advise and suggestions on what they could do to reach this goal. The old expression goes if you want something done right do it your self. If it’s something your personally worried about or want to do you may want to look into doing it your self if it is possible. Sometimes even when you trust others to do something right they might not be able to. Although we strive for perfection we make mistakes.
November 10th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Well first of all, that is not who you ARE, that is a bad habit you happened to pick up and live with all your life. You can’t change who you are. People are always trying to change themselves because they feel inferior for whatever reason. But we need to realize it’s not who we are that needs to be changed but the way we handle things and interpret them. It’s hard for me to give you advice on how to change it seeing as how I have never been in that kind of a situation. We would be quite opposite actually. My mother is the strictest witch in the world and I pretty much grew up in a “boot camp” environment. But what I DO understand is how you feel about letting others do things. I can’t stand it; it’s never they way I like it. But we have to face the facts… we can’t do EVERYTHING. Sooner or later you will come across the people who you can trust to leave tasks in. It takes time but other than that I don’t really know. I do know that you don’t need to change who you are, only HOW you do things. =] hope it helped!!